A letter to my Grandmothers

I’d like to share a letter I wrote to my grandmothers 18 years ago upon returning from my first trip to Poland.
At that time of my turbulent teen age years, at the age of 19, I was definitely at a crossroads in life and I wasn’t sure what direction to take. I remember feeling very lost. I was experiencing feelings of depression, loneliness and so much confusion. And there I was embarking upon this trip. I had no idea just how much it would turn my world upside down and set me off in a certain direction with so much passion and excitement.

Stepping foot back into that land since the devastation of the Holocaust was not a small thing for me or for my family. When my grandparents left after the war they never wanted to return. They wanted to build a new life and bright future and not look back.

But I felt a strong pull to go to Poland and see it all with my own eyes. I wanted to see where our family came from. I felt that somehow within it I would find the key to better knowing and understanding myself. But first I had to convince my grandmothers to give me their blessings. That was not an easy task. It was difficult for them to understand why I had to do this.

I was not expecting the trip to become one of the most powerful experiences of my entire life. It was a turning point for me.

Here is the letter I wrote to my grandmothers in April of 2000 upon returning from my trip. I was young when I wrote it and I am a little embarrassed by my simplicity, but I love my innocence and pure love and passion. My Bubby kept this letter safely close to her heart all of these years.

To my two dear Bubbies,
I miss both of you so much!!
It’s not easy to be away from a family like ours for so many months. But I know that this year was worth all the hardships I’ve dealt with. I hope you will be proud of my accomplishments. I’ve learnt and gained so much this year, more than I ever expected. I’ve started to understand who I am and who I want to become. These are pretty crucial things to know and I suppose most people can’t answer those questions.

A week ago I went to Poland. I visited the streets you both lived on, the neighbourhoods you played in, the concentration camps you slaved in… I prayed more in that week than I have all year. I prayed for all those that our family lost. Every step I took, I wondered which relative walked here before me.

The ashes of Majdanek, the ashes of Auschwitz, the ashes of Treblinka were all right before my eyes. All I could do was pray. Pray that the people whose ashes lay before me did not die in vain.

I have many unanswered questions but I know for sure that there is a master plan. We cannot understand G-d’s ways but we can trust that He knows what He is doing. There is no coincidence that both of you, my Bubby Guta and Bubby Lola, both survived that hell. There is a reason for everything and you can clearly understand the reason of your miraculous survival by taking a look at your children and grandchildren. Each of your 7 grandchildren should give you so much Nachus. I can’t talk for everyone but I know that for myself that I will try to do something for our nation. I won’t let the 6 million deaths be in vain. I will be strong always and carry on the messages to the next generation. I will try to live up to my namesake, your sister Yidis, that died sanctifying G-d’s name. That’s not an easy thing to do.

I kept thinking throughout the trip how heroic all of you, my dear grandparents were. You deserve a gold medal to say the least. Now that I can better understand what you both went through I just want to hug you both tight for a very long time and tell you how much I love you. I can’t wait to see you very soon and get that hug that I need.

Love your granddaughter,
Eve 
April 2000